Haibun
Cliff Cave: A Tale of Two Seasons
indian cave
in the earthen floor
the stone tools they once used
Today, “Indian Cave,” is also known as Cliff Cave, the largest known cavern in St. Louis County. The Osage still consider this area to be sacred ground.
I had my first encounter with Cliff Cave during a July
summer. The heat spell had been going on for 15 days. We had no
air-conditioning. Our Sunday prayers for snow went unanswered.
box fan
the whir of humidity
encircles us
We were all ready to snap. Dad decided enough was enough. He
told my sister and me to get in the car.
windows rolled down
the sound of skin sticking
to leather seats
Even though the sun was setting, temps were still in the
90s. We dreaded every stoplight. Finally, we reached Cliff Cave Road.
a sense of relief
the arch of trees
shading our journey
It was the perfect prelude to the cave. Dad found a turnout.
We drank luke-warm water from a thermos and took our flashlights. The trail was
steep and rocky in places.
searching for stability
I keep sliding backwards
in my tennis shoes
There’s a sudden change in the air when we reach the mouth
of the cave. It’s like being near a river when it’s dark. We stayed near the
entrance. Dad said it would be too easy to get lost if we went any further.
every now and then
a cold rain
from the cave’s ceiling
An hour past sunset, we left the cave. The warmth of the
summer night felt good. Maybe we would sleep tonight. Maybe it would rain.
Today, Cliff Cave is a county park. The cave itself is
closed to the public. Even so, it’s good to walk on the same trails I used to
hike with my family.
autumn
the oaks and hickories
welcome me back
There are so many messages on social media that most of them never catch my attention. The post I saw on LinkedIn was an exception.
It was an article about the New Zealand Parliament voting unanimously to provide three days of paid leave for women and their partners after a miscarriage or stillbirth.
My first question is, “What took so long for any country to recognize this?"
My next thought was three days is not long enough. I also think grief counseling should be included.
Unless you've been through a miscarriage, you don't know how traumatic this is.
The Code of Silence
When I had
my miscarriage, there were no social media outlets. I’m not sure any of the
sites would have helped me.
on a cold,
starless night
friends and random
strangers
giving me
tips on how
to get over
it
My husband and I picked out names. We made preparations.
boy or girl
the train light
with its new lampshade
I could feel
the baby. It was like the flutter of butterflies that we sometimes
get when we are excited about something. Or afraid of it.
waning summer
the spots of
blood
that I can’t
explain
My doctor ordered bed rest. No going up or down steps. Since that wasn’t possible at home, I stayed with my parents.
I passed the time reading books or listening to baseball games. Last year, the Cardinals had won the World Series.
Steve
Carlton pitches
his 300th
win
every year’s
another chance
Bed rest didn't help. The bleeding
increased. By 2 am, I was hemorrhaging. I didn’t want to wake my parents.
september loss
it’s fear
that drives
my silence
I fell on
the bathroom floor. My mom heard me or maybe I screamed. There are parts that I
don’t remember.
blank spaces
of time
the harsh white
of hospital
lights
My doctor came in. He said the baby couldn’t be saved. He told me to think of it as a blob that never fully formed. It was nature’s way of taking care of it.
grieving parents
there are
some things no one
should ever
say
I never received counseling. Shortly after my miscarriage, I went back to work.
A
co-worker asked me, “How far along are you? You don’t even look pregnant.”
I told him I lost my baby. He didn’t know what to say except that he was sorry. A hush followed me wherever I went.
It made me feel more isolated than I have ever felt in my life.
unmarked grave
the code of
silence
that surrounds
each death
There were plenty of classes for expectant mothers on how to breathe during labor, all the advantages of breastfeeding, and what to do after the child arrives.
If there were training manuals on how to deal with miscarriages, no one ever offered me one. Instead, my husband and I embarked on the journey toward healing alone.
During my second pregnancy, I worried the entire
time that I would lose this baby, too. I couldn’t go through it again.
changing seasons
no two
pregnancies
are alike
When I was first
able to hold my son after he was born, it was a bittersweet moment. I would never stop loving the son that I held now. I would
never stop loving the child that I lost.
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